Male Loneliness Epidemic

Photo by Danill Onischenko on Unsplash 

On social media there is much talk of the male loneliness epidemic. There seems to be quite a number of reasons for it: can the Bach Flower Remedies help to dispel it and if so how?

One of the remedies listed for the distress of loneliness is Heather.  It is easy to see why those in need of it might be lonely – because they can only talk about themselves and their own issues, with no interest or curiosity in anyone else.  They are so desperate for attention, to fill the emptiness inside, that they have no awareness of how they are tiring and boring their audience. Who, feeling drained of energy, leave as soon as they can.

Why are there only 3 essences in Dr Bach’s Loneliness Group?*  Maybe because many of the  other flower remedies have elements of loneliness about them too. And it’s for this reason that if someone says to us that they are lonely, we should not automatically assume the choice lies between just 3 remedies.  There are many issues which may give rise to someone feeling lonely.  They may be dictatorial or controlling, which would call for Vine.  They may be critical or condescending about anything they perceive in another person – partner, date, friend – which could be ameliorated with Beech.  As romantic partners they may be too possessive, or clingy to the point of being manipulative, and would benefit from Chicory.      

Or they may feel consciously lonely through carrying a burden of guilt (Pine) or a hankering after a person or situation in the past (Honeysuckle), or a grief or trauma they haven’t yet healed from (Star of Bethlehem).  They may feel lonely because they consider their appearance or health is off-putting (Crab Apple) or because they never have the confidence to try anything new (Larch).                                           

Most lonely people will have a complex background or family history giving rise to a complicated set of emotions that won’t be resolved by one remedy alone. That’s where a Bach Flower Remedy Practitioner can help.  Anyone can learn to choose and use the flower remedies for themselves but sometimes off-loading to a practitioner can provide insights which we can’t see for ourselves.  Search for a registered practitioner here.

Isolation versus connection: in the light of a spiritually evolving humanity, we come to understand that if we are all one, part of the same Unity, then ultimately loneliness is a social construct. We may feel a temporary disconnection from others, but loneliness itself cannot exist. We find that the word loneliness contains the word Oneness. Separated from it we feel *ill* – and those 3 letters infiltrating Oneness spell Loneliness.

More about all of these remedies can be found in my new book Space to Reflect.

* These are the other 2: Impatiens helps when we are so keen to save time, to manage by ourselves rather than accept help, that people can feel repelled by our manner. Impatience is often expressed as irritation so others avoid you or do not enjoy your company.

Water Violet is useful when your need for detachment and distance is perceived by others as aloofness or even disdain. Water Violet helps us to understand how remote our manner has become so that we can bridge the gap that yawns between us and others.

Holly - the mender of hearts

Yay, last week the sun (in the northern hemisphere) stopped setting earlier and sank at the same time each day. From now on, sunset will be a minute or two later every day until midsummer.  

In the old Julian calendar (which existed until the middle of the 18^th century) the shortest day was 13^th December and is St Lucy’s Day.  Her name means ‘Light’ and she is also the patron saint of sight, reminding us we need light in order to be able to see – both physically and spiritually.  Her colour (in the church liturgy) is the same as that of the holly berry – bright red, a colour we always associate with heart love.  Something that’s noticeably lacking if we are in the emotional state that calls for Holly.

"Repairing Hearts" by Charles H. Geilfus. 1900,
from Vintage posters and Visual Curiosities 

Poet John O’Donohue* writes: 

“Love is the light in which we see light. Love is the light in which we see each thing in its true origin, nature and destiny.… The loving eye sees through and beyond images and affects the deepest change. To recognise how you see things can bring you self-knowledge and enable you to glimpse the treasures your life secretly holds.”

This year, with all the divisiveness, aggression and hatred  both in public and private life, we have seen a great need for Holly, as these hostile emotions are the antithesis of love. Where we see the urge for revenge – ‘getting my own back’ – or the urge to cause suffering (malice and spite) or witness the verbal or physical reactions that are prompted by jealousy, envy, antagonism or suspicion, we see a need for Holly, for the love which manifests as compassion, understanding and goodwill. In Celtic folklore the holly tree is sacred and symbolises peace and goodwill.

“Holly connects us with the fundamental unity in the universe.  There can be no hatred of others when we and they are part of the same whole,” writes Stefan Ball.** 

*John O’Donohue in Anam Cara

** Bloom, available from the Bach Centre, along with my books.

Kindness versus 'othering'

Brene Brown says that when we call people by non-human names (eg animals, aliens) we place them outside of our moral inclusion zone, and effectively dehumanize them.  They are no longer ‘one of us’.  This ‘othering’ is dominating a lot of the internet at present and infecting us with its divisiveness, which sadly can and often does transfer into our daily contacts with other people.

We may need to review the attitudes we are bringing to this issue.  We cannot change other people but we can become doubly aware of how we react or would like to respond.  If you are feeling the urge to tell someone they are wrong, should shut up and listen to someone who knows, then take Vine to ease that tyrannical streak. If you see the other person as inferior to you, as someone who should think or behave a lot better than than they are doing, take Beech for a more tolerant and understanding outlook.  And if the urge is there to post something spiteful or hateful, then take Holly.

And if you are on the receiving end of some this widespread antipathy, and have given up believing you can do anything about a particular situation, select Wild Rose in order to take back your agency. If something seems like an attack on the most vulnerable part of yourself, causing you to feel as though you’re about to lose your rag and say or do something you would later regret, take Cherry Plum. If you feel you must fight every battle in order to win people over to your way of thinking, or to convince them to join you in your ‘crusade’, take Vervain.

And lastly, be kind to yourself.  If someone says or posts something designed to make you feel guilty, take Pine.  If their posts undermine your self-confidence, take Larch.  If their words trigger in you a feeling of self-dislike, or uncleanliness, take Crab Apple.

"A fellow feeling makes us wondrous kind." Alexander Pope

There is more info on these flower remedies in my new book, Space to Reflect, click here.

Pascal Campion

 

When you are more Rock than Water

Photo: Ally Matson

Rock Water in its name, as well as in its nature, encapsulates both the positive and negative aspects of the remedy.  In a negative state the person is all Rock – unmoving, inflexible, enslaved to their principles and policies, unable to see that their very fixedness is limiting; it limits their vision, their aims, and their mental and spiritual growth.  In a positive state, the person has more of Water’s fluidity, and is able to experience more joy in life, just as a stream chuckles on its way to the sea.

“But why,” asks a Rock Water type, “Would I want to go with the flow?  My diet, my beliefs, my work standards are right for me and I see no point in changing them for the sake of change. People could do a lot worse than follow the good example I always try to set.”  Taking Rock Water does not stop us from having high standards but it allows us to take a fresh look at ideals and routines which we’ve always held sacrosanct, and to realise when change and modification would allow us more flexibility and pleasure in life.

We can see an allegory of the release to be found by taking Rock Water in the Labours of Hercules.   In Alice A Bailey’s version, a drought caused Amymone to ask Neptune for help.  He instructed her to strike a rock, from which three crystal streams appeared, but soon a monstrous hydra arrived, turning the place into a swamp.  Hercules’ task was to get rid of the hydra.  In a negative Rock Water state Hercules would have lost the fight because the rule book was no help: every time he cut off one of its 9 heads, another 2 grew in its place.  But Hercules had been given a key piece of advice by his Teacher:  ‘We rise by kneeling; we conquer by surrendering; we gain by giving up’.   Recalling this, Hercules kneels in the swamp and by raising the hydra into the clear light of day, its strength fails and it dies.    

When we are in the negative state where we need Rock Water, we are unable to give up our precious rules, our strict self-denial and martyr-like mentality.  We are unable to kneel figuratively to wiser counsels, more flexible ideas or lifestyles.  We’re loth to surrender our favourite strategies and habits: we believe they serve us well when in fact they now repress us, preventing us from growing.  Like Hercules we hold on to our pride in what we’ve achieved so far, and believe our self-imposed rules and disciplined lifestyle will overcome all obstacles, not realising that surrendering comes with its own power.

When Hercules had won the battle the crystal streams were free to flow for everyone’s benefit.  Ultimately this is the gift offered by all the flower remedies, they release us from our fixed ways of the past so that we can become a healing stream for others.

This piece comes from my book, Turning to the Light, click here for more information. For my newest book, Space to Reflect, click here.

What choice do we have?

Photo of Scales of Justice, Dublin by Alejandro Pohlenz on Unsplash 

 

Among the flower remedies we think of Cerato and Scleranthus when it comes to doubt and indecision.  But when it comes to making the right choices throughout life, almost all the remedies offer us the opportunity to choose the best option in our daily actions and attitude, and to assess our moods critically.

The word critical stems from the same root as crisis, as in a crisis point in life, a critical juncture. Critical thinking is the ability to think across all the choices presented and perceive the right way forward with clarity. It’s related to ‘discriminate’ (as in discern) and ‘judge’ (decide).

Take Beech as an example. When we are in need of it we see life through a judgemental and intolerant eye. Or we can choose to recognise that a lack of compassion and understanding is unhelpful to our spiritual growth, and we should take Beech.  We can view the world at present in a state of hopelessness where optimism seems farcical or nothing is worth trying; or we we can decide to take Gorse in order to realise that hope is a suit of armour, not a soft pillow to help us sleep. And something similar is true of all the remedies. Do we choose to drift along in life believing nothing we can do will ever change things, or do we seize our power and reclaim our agency with Wild Rose? Or try again with Gentian? Every one of the 38 remedies offers us a choice: to remain in the pit of our emotions or to reclaim our fortitude and rise up out of the quagmire with renewed vigour.

Bach Flower Remedies help us to choose equanimity, peace and a sense of perspective. We know we owe it to ourselves and to others to take any remedies we need right now, in order to rise above the global atmosphere of toxicity and fear, and pursue, as Dr Bach would say, the work of our soul in the world.

Aspen support and community

Image: Moral Wisdom

Aspens form a colony of trees by root suckering whereby young trees are a clone of an older tree. Each tree therefore functions as both an individual and as a ‘branch’ of the whole organism. If one tree suffers, nearby trees send succour in the form of water and nutrition.

In his heart-warming book on the power of community, More Together than Alone, Mark Nepo writes, “Shared roots live longer. This is the aspen wisdom we all need. We need aspen sensitivity, aspen memory, and aspen compassion. We need to learn how to enliven that depth of connectedness whereby we can feel all of humanity while living our very small individual lives.”

As we humans begin to learn and appreciate that we are all part of the Oneness of life, (just as Dr Bach believed) even though we are individuals in our own right, we can see the importance of realising that what affects one, affects the whole community.  And as a community we help and support each other in times of need. As we continue to take the flower remedies, we develop a growing sensitivity to the whole of creation and its needs.  

As for the healing effect of the Aspen flower remedy, its community can calm our fears: “The delicious rustle of the wind moving through a canopy of Aspen is almost indistinguishable from the sound of water passing over a waterfall, or of rain on the sea.  It is an immensely calming sound.”  From Where the Wild Flowers Grow, by Leif Bersweden

Hornbeam and Chestnut Bud

"The flower is made of non-flower elements.  When you look at the flower you see non-flower elements like sunlight, rain, earth – all the elements have come together to help the flower to manifest.  If we were to remove any of these non-flower elements there would no longer be a flower.”  ~ Thich Nhat Hanh

The same is true of all life forms, including humans, because everything is composed of atoms that are just whirlpools of energy.  Thus we’re affected not only by the sun and the rain, but all the vibrations around us, physical, emotional, psychological, and mental.   Being bombarded day and night by these energy streams, it’s unlikely that we will suffer from just one isolated emotion that has no relation to all the rest.  With the flower remedies this can often mean several essences are required.

Two essences I should have been taking for the past week are Hornbeam and Chestnut Bud.  They might seem unrelated to each other, but I’d been putting off a small chore and when I eventually got it done, I realised that “I never learn!”  The number of times I’ve procrastinated over something (maybe sometimes through anxiety or lack of confidence – yes, Mimulus and Larch required) only to find once it’s over that it was never as difficult or time-consuming (Impatiens) as I thought it would be.  Why don’t I remember this, the next time I’m putting off a simple job?   Answer – because I’ve forgotten to take Chestnut Bud!

If one part of us is out of balance, it’s almost inevitable that other elements will be out of sync as well.  After all, that’s how ill-health arises, something apparently simple occurs, for example  we become dehydrated; then the brain is impacted, so its routines of  producing certain hormones are affected, and the whole ‘internet’ of the body starts to suffer.

Of course, the dehydration may have occurred because we’re in a state of stress and drinking too much caffeine and not enough water.  Which reminds us that all energies are interdependent.   All things affect all other things.  All life is interconnected.

Fuchsia by Ally Matson