If you're putting on that 'happy' mask

This time of year can be one where we need Agrimony.  We are busy pretending that everything is going to be jolly and fun, rather than admitting that deep down life is anything but.  We’re putting a brave face on things for the sake of our children, and other loved ones, all the while wondering how we’re going to get through.  Think of the Emma Thompson character in the film, Love Actually, when she realises the necklace is not for her.

It can be necessary to put on a happy mask occasionally, and sometimes it can even help us to feel more positive.  But when we’re unable to acknowledge that the cheerful persona we’re adopting is at odds with how we’re feeling in reality, that disconnection can be destructive and unhealthy.  We can end up blocking our pain to the extent that we’re no longer true to ourselves.   This is when Agrimony is needed, when others are not allowed to see beyond our smiles.  We keep our suffering (and other people) at arm’s length by laughing, lively chat and social activity.  We are unable to connect with others because there is all this body-armour keeping our hearts apart.

Agrimony helps us to face our distress courageously and give it love and understanding.  This self-compassion will help us to re-connect with others, giving them our authentic selves, a love we all need badly at this time.

“The more you understand the more you love; the more you love, the more you understand.” Thich Nhat Hanh

From the film, Love Actually

Be more water

In The Comfort Book, Matt Haig suggests, ‘Get a routine baggy enough to live in’.  Sometimes it seems as though self-discipline, our diet, our daily regime are the only things we can control in this precarious world, and it can make us somewhat rigid in our outlook. That inflexibility (“No thanks, I never eat during the day.”) can be martyrish. Which wouldn’t matter so much if it only affected ourselves, but often it affects those around us too. We may become a bit of a perfectionist and that can be sensed by others as controlling. (“Was she hinting that I eat too much or don’t make enough effort to lose weight?”)

 

When someone is in an example-setting mood, it is hard for them to see they have become too strict with themselves and unyielding: “Self-discipline is good, right? And I believe we can all do better, so I don’t see any need to change.”  

 

‘Strict’ comes from the Latin word for ‘drawn tight’, or taut.  The Rock Water essence can help us to ease the ‘ought’ and ‘should’, worry less about controlling every aspect of our lives, and help us to be less like an immovable rock and more like the water that, without effort, always finds its way round any obstacle. 

 

Photo: Ally Matson

Rock Water

for the tauter daughter

of ‘Oughter’.

Rigidity

It’s a sad symptom of this polluted world that so many people – on social media or on the streets – have a toxic and intransigent opinion that is often expressed with violence or threats.  This unyielding mindset tells us that emotionally they are out of balance.

People who are convinced they are right are often rigid about it and Dr Bach mentions this in The Twelve Healers.

His opening sentence on Vervain reads, ’Those with fixed principles and ideas which they are confident are right, and which they very rarely change.’  He says something similar of other remedies, for instance under Chicory, ‘… always finding something that should be put right. They are continually correcting….’  And of Vine he writes, ‘as they are certain is right.   Even in illness they will direct their attendants.’ 

This rigid mentality is there in Rock Water too, ‘Those who are very strict in their way of living’.  Strict comes from the Latin, ‘[drawn] tight’ which again implies inflexibility, the narrowness of the single-track mind.  These remedies are all in the same Group (Over-care for the Welfare for Others) so it’s not surprising that Beech has this same uncompromising outlook (my judgement is the only correct one) and strictness about how other people should behave.  We take Beech  ‘although much appears to be wrong . . . . so as to be able to be more tolerant, lenient…’ ie the very antithesis of rigidity and strict rules.

It turns out that the words ‘rigid’ and ‘right’ are connected.  Where we believe the right way is the correct way, the word ‘correct’ comes from the same root as ‘rigid’. ‘Correct’ comes from the Latin ‘made straight’ while the word ‘right’ comes from the Latin ‘ruled, denoting movement in a straight line’.   Which is to say, a line that doesn’t deviate, any more than rigidity would deviate or become flexible. 

When we find that we are being too strict on ourselves or on others, unwilling to compromise on their point of view or even tolerate their way of doing things, then the flower remedies can restore our sense of proportion, our kinship with others, and our kindness.

 

Image: vladimir163rus on Pixabay

Boundaries

Boundaries are barriers that stop us from being inundated – physically, emotionally, or mentally.  If we don’t raise an umbrella against the rain, we can expect to get wet.   If we don’t put on coats and hats when it’s freezing, we can expect the cold to enter our bones. But when it comes to raising a sensible defence against the incoming tide of other people’s demands or expectations, we find ourselves unable to act.

Our life history may have led us to be people-pleasers and unable to say no.  But growth comes when we understand that the only way forward is through changes we make in our perspective.   Boundaries, Brene Brown tells us, are the key to self-love.  When we allow people to cross our flimsy and unreinforced boundaries, we lose our self-respect and make our work doubly hard next time someone persuades us to do something we want to decline.  It’s a sign that we’ve lost our self-respect when we become begrudging of our time and efforts and resentful.  When we’re genuinely willing to help another, we give freely of our time, care and intention.  ‘Generosity cannot exist without boundaries.’ ~ Brene Brown.

Our determination to be stronger and say no when necessary can be enhanced with the flower remedy Centaury.  This is particularly helpful for those who love to be of service but can’t refuse even when it’s against their better judgment. Depending on the need and situation, other remedies which might help include Oak, Elm, Olive, Willow. 

Part of our learning in this life is to recognise when challenges to our psyche arise: they’re an opportunity to face our weaknesses, identify our ‘fault lines’, develop self-discipline, and overcome an obstacle to growth so that we are stronger and wiser on the next occasion.

Hope is a call to action

Fear has gripped most of us in the last 2 years, and is being followed in places by a growing loss of hope. 

But what is hope?  In a recent thread on Twitter, Zen teacher and author Joan Halifax reminds us, “Hope is not the belief that everything will turn out well…. The Czech statesman Vaclav Havel said, ‘Hope is definitely not the same thing as optimism.  It is not the conviction that something will turn out well but the certainty that something makes sense, regardless of how it turns out.’ Wise hope appears through our courage to rest in the field of radical uncertainty, and realise that this is the space from which we can engage.”

This reminds us that Gentian and Gorse are in the Uncertainty Group; and that by taking whichever flower remedies we need, our change in attitude means that we grow in both confidence and new competencies.

"Wise hope also reflects the understanding that what we do matters"

 “It’s when we look deeply and courageously that we realize we don’t know what will happen; this is when wise hope really comes alive, in this landscape between improbability and possibility […] and from this landscape, the imperative to act rises up.  Wise hope also reflects the understanding that what we do matters, even though how and when it may matter, who and what it may impact, are not things we can really know beforehand,” Joan continued.

Hope is a call to action, something we’re incapable of answering when we’re merely trying to remain positive or optimistic.  We may well need remedies other than Gorse to overcome hopelessness – Wild Rose for instance, or Mimulus for anxiety, or Elm or a number of others.  But they will give us the strength to face whatever difficulties lie ahead, and to help others as Dr Bach wanted and expected of his successors. 

“This is a sacred time we are in, and our work on behalf of others is sacred work.  Hope is a medicine that keeps us showing up.” ~ Joan Halifax

Quote via Brain Pickings

Living in the past

Photo: Ally Matson

Honeysuckle is the remedy for living in the past, nostalgia for the old days or maybe a lost loved one.  As far back as Chaucer, honeysuckle (woodbine) was used by him as a symbol of steadfastness in love[1], and in the language of flowers honeysuckle represents being united in love and devotion because of the flower’s clinging nature[2], which is symbolised by two stems twining round each other.

The stems or vines of honeysuckle are very tough, and were often used for ropes and harness.  In the Iron Age honeysuckle ropes were wound round the dead to anchor them to the earth.[3]

Honeysuckle essence is for when we are clinging to what’s dead and gone: “They do not expect further happiness such as they have had,” wrote Dr Bach in the Twelve Healers.   Those who need the Honeysuckle flower remedy are focused in the past and therefore have no energy left to focus on life in the present.   Their clinging to an earlier life can fill them with regrets that the good times are over; the very word ‘regret’ comes from the Old French regreter which meant ‘to bewail the dead.’

Lost love, memories, distant happiness, regret for what is past, all these can be helped by taking Honeysuckle.  It is mentioned (as woodbine) in a sweet poem by Alfred Austin.  His girlfriend must have asked ‘Will you still love me when I’m old and have no beauty?’ and this was his reply.

An Answer

Come, let us go into the lane, love mine,
And mark and gather what the Autumn grows:
The creamy elder mellowed into wine,
The russet hip that was the pink-white rose;
The amber woodbine into rubies turned,
The blackberry that was the bramble born;
Nor let the seeded clematis be spurned,
Nor pearls, that now are corals, of the thorn.
Look! what a lovely posy we have made
From the wild garden of the waning year.
So when, dear love, your summer is decayed,
Beauty more touching than is clustered here
Will linger in your life, and I shall cling
Closely as now, nor ask if it be Spring.

 

 

Photo: Ally Matson

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[1] Witchipedia.com

[2] Gardenguides.com

[3] Elly Griffiths

Understanding anger

Photo: Ally Matson

Anger is a like a fire in a peatland, a ‘zombie’ fire that appears to have died but then flares up again at a later date.   Anger can be a slow-burning fuse or an explosive spark. It can vary from irritation and grumpiness all the way up to full-blown rage and ferocity.  Often it takes us by surprise¸ we did not even know we were holding anger inside us, until it leaps out.

Finding the real, deep-down reason for such an uncontrollable emotion is the first step on the path  to healing it.  We may think we’re angry at the car in front, the teen who stayed out late, the selfish boss and so on, but those just provided the oxygen which lit the waiting spark.  Psychologist Leon F Seltzer states, “these explosive emotions aren’t primary but secondary – unconsciously employed to mitigate an intolerable sense of vulnerability. [...] Beneath this fiery defensive emotion exist feelings of hurt, not being respected or valued, embarrassment, shame, loneliness, unlovability, and so on.”

In the Bach Flower Remedy system, there are quite a few essences which can help, depending on the root cause of our pain.  When our fear of losing control masks vulnerability then Cherry Plum will help.  If it is loneliness, our irritability could be soothed with Impatiens.  If we are feeling unvalued and hurt, Chicory might be the answer, while envy and spite would be helped with Holly. 

“I sat with anger long enough, until she told me her real name was grief,” wrote CS Lewis.  Anger can often be used to mask a profound grief, one buried so deep it may even stem from childhood.  In fact, the word anger comes from the Old Norse ‘angr’ which means grief, along with ‘angra’, vex.  Grief, anger, vexation – Bach Flower Remedies can help to start healing them all.